There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
