I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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