She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
