she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
