The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
