I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
