dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
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Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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