he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
