I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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