We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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