the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
