i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
