haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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