wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
