Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
