she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How external is "for external use only"?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
