How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
