you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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