Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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