we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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