Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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