in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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