You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
