Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
