drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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