Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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