if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
