I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
