Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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