70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I checked into jail on foursquare
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
