Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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