Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
