I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
