i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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