I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I supernannyed him into submission
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
