Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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