Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
