We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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