i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just invented taco cereal.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
