The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Of course I have a pirate flag
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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