he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You're like the curious george of whores
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
