Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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