Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
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I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can