I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.