I molested 6 butterflies tonight
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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