i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
