im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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