You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
