By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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