omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
