His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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