I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
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It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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