masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
