Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
