First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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