did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
