im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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