woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
